Note: The events and information in this article is completely false. This is a parody written as a challenge. Enjoy.

The events of the past two offseasons for Manny Ramirez will not be soon forgotten, but they will be remedied in the near future. After a long chat with the psychologist of good pal, Ricky Williams, Ramirez has discovered he suffers from depression.

“Yeah, man. Them doctors tell me I’m like that little pac-man guy from TV. I need that Zoloft,” Manny now says.

A relieved Theo Epstein filled the prescription for his combative star, saying “He’s the hardest superstar to trade, and now we don’t have to. I may check out some of this stuff myself, you know. Larry still puts me down, like I’m a little boy. I’m not a little boy! I’m not!”

Manny has spent the majority of the last two years pleading for trades, and then quickly changing his mind. In his depressed episodes, he has gone as far as selling his penthouse condo this past December.

“Yeah that came after a bad time for me, man. I was behind on my holiday shopping, man. My wife wanted a present, and I didn't know she would. Then some guy offered to help me and, it was stressful, man. I had to go to St. Barts, sell my condo, get away from it all, you know?”

Such episodes are the sources of his many trade requests, forgetfulness, dazed appearances, and possibly his fielding mishaps. What about his infamous Green Monster bathroom break?

“Yeah man, my son, man, he was doing totally dope stuff that morning. I had to make breakfast, see, and he said he don’t like his toast black man. I don’t know, man. Threw me for a loop because, you know, why don’t he like my toast? It really hit me hard during that game because some fan in the stands wore black and it reminded me of the toast and all and then I just couldn’t deal, man.”

Teammate and close friend David Ortiz was thrilled to learn that Manny’s complaints and trade requests would soon diminish, relieving Ortiz of “babysitting duties.” The slugger was repeatedly asked about the slugger's whereabouts and opinions on being traded from October to the end of February, shortly before Ramirez showed up late, but excused, to spring training.

“I’m always looking after that guy," Ortiz complains. "Theo’s writing it into my new contract. It’s going to say ‘Mr. Ortiz will be assuming the role to ensure the care and wellness of Manuel Aristides Ramirez.” Ortiz says, as he then quickly turns around to grab a banner from Manny reading “Trade Me Now!”, exchanging the fabric with a pill.          

Manny smiled for the cameras with his characteristic thumbs up, and then thanked Ortiz for looking out for him before bursting into tears.

“I think he still has some work to do,” commented fellow outfielder Trot Nixon as a trainer quickly ran to Manny’s aide with a handkerchief.

So after a long day at the doctor's office, I got home to find out that I had won a contest I entered about a month ago. There are a couple of award ceremonies, $100, lunch, and tickets to a Celtics game as the prize booty. I figured I'd put the essay up here for everyone to read, but just to warn all of you, it's not so amazing. Additionally, if anyone knows what experience George Mitchell has with steroids or investigations, please comment.

Not an Average Joe

By Arielle Aronson

The “triple big” stereotype describes most of today’s athletes: big money, big numbers, and big egos, thus leaving sports bereft of “the good guys.” The “good guys” are players who would help a neighbor shovel snow after a snowstorm or sign autographs for every last kid in line. When drafted by

Detroit

in 1998, baseball aficionados probably thought Gabe Kapler would fall into the “triple big” stereotype. Though merely a backup, Kapler’s relentless effort on the field and admirable deeds off the field make him a “good guy” as well as my favorite player.

In his three years in Boston, Gabe Kapler has never reached the .300 batting average plateau, a feat he has accomplished only once in his eight year career. His appearances on the field are limited to when a teammate is injured or doesn’t match up well with the pitcher. Nevertheless, Kapler does not become moody or negative like other backup players. To make up for his paltry batting average, Kapler dazzles fans with his effort in the outfield. Whether diving for the ball, running into walls, or flying like Superman during a play, Kapler’s catches defy gravity and his efforts soar above the level of normal backup players. It doesn’t matter if he hits a pop-up or a home run, for Kapler always hustles around the bases. Because he never stops trying, Kapler is a great role model for young athletes.

Gabe Kapler’s demeanor off the field is everything a manager could ever want. Kapler was selected to read the Athlete’s Oath at the 2004 Maccabiah Games, a sports tournament for Jewish teenagers. Factors such as positive attitude and good-nature made him a natural choice to serve as a role-model for the competing teenagers. Disaster struck the Red Sox when Kapler tore his Achilles tendon running out a Tony Graffanino home run. The team was devastated to learn that Kapler would be out for the remainder of the season. This prompted manager Terry Francona to tell Kapler that he was welcome in the clubhouse even though he couldn’t play. As a result, Kapler was right there with his teammates when they won the Wild Card, getting a chance to celebrate. Like other members of the Red Sox, Kapler helps to donate to the Jimmy Fund, spending free time with sick kids and attending charity events. Additionally, Gabe Kapler has spread awareness about an issue important to his family: domestic abuse. Out of inspiration from his wife’s past experience, Kapler created The Gabe Kapler Foundation, an organization which helps battered women and children recover and improve their lives. The Kaplers host fundraisers, donate equipment to shelters, and invest their time and effort into making a complete stranger’s day better.

As a truly selfless person, Gabe Kapler has established himself as my favorite player. His effort and personality counter the stereotype of the “triple big” baseball player. Though he may not hit 40 homeruns or win the Triple Crown, Gabe Kapler is the athlete that every general manager should wish for as well as the favorite player that every fan should embrace. Some people measure success in forms of money, statistics, and material items. I find it instead in the Gabe Kaplers of the world, the people who think of success in terms of attitude, effort, and compassion for others.   

I haven't posted anything over the last week or so, but don't assume that it's because I'm bored. Unfortunately, the flu (the real flu) has hit my house, infiltrating the immune system of my brother, who was kind enough to share with me.

After a school dance on Saturday, I suddenly found myself with a terrible headache, severe congestion, a sore throat, and full body aches. With a high fever, I was hospitalized and recieved IV fluids over two long, exhausting nights. I've been out of the hospital now for two days and I think my fever may have finally broken, but I'm still home from school. (I get to watch Bronson today!) Expect me to start blogging about those Sox soon, as I am definitely in recovery.

If you can't tell, the fact that I am completely obsessed with baseball has caused me to reach out to other areas of the game. (What's life without the full experience?) Therefore, I tried out for my school's softball team this year. At tryouts, there is a girl who isn't as "normal" as everyone else. Did anyone treat her differently? No.

I thought this was fantastic, and I did not know people could be that kind. I have had the privilige to live with a person in my household who lives with a mental disorder and is not like other kids. I've watched first hand as he has struggled to lead a normal life. Luckily, he has succeeded in that. However, a lot of kids made fun of him or mocked him as he grew up.

To watch this girl be able to try out for the softball team and have everyone supporting her was awesome. It brings new meaning to the word team. Not only does everyone work together, but everyone supports eachother. In a world where people aren't so nice all the time, it is nice to know that at least teenagers know how to deal with other people.

This girl is someone who truly loves sports. Her thoughts on Vinatieri leaving? "Who's going to kick field goals in the snow or with the clock winding down at the end of the superbowl?" When it comes to Johnny Damon, "He's a traitor. There was another team out there offering more money. He should have gone there and not to the Yankees."

I would hope that in baseball leagues across the country, there are either teams for people with mental disabilities or school intramural leagues which allow these kids to try out for them. Many special needs children are barred from social lives, and to be kept from doing something they love would break my heart.

What is special about special needs people is everything that can be learned from them. I've learned from my experience to find what I love, then do something about it. I have also learned that, yeah, challenges are wicked hard to overcome, yet it is possible. When someone is different, it does not mean they are scary or weird, they just live in a different way than most people. Most of all, the people with the greatest challenges are often the nicest people you would ever meet.

As said in Boy Meets World, "Life is hard. Get a helmet." Every special needs kid has done that, and apparently, helmets seem to soften up life.

Tom Caron did a little interview with Johnny D before tonights game (he's DHing, bad shoulder). Apparently Johnny is under the impression that the Yankees are going younger. Hmm. I didn't know young meant mid 30s (well for a ballplayer of coure : P).

I find it funny that the rivalry makes for a prime time game even in Spring Training. It won't be as strong this year because all of the player swapping. I don't think the players really dislike each other, especially now that Bronson and A-Rod have been separated and Varitek and Timlin played on the same team with him.

In the latest version of Manny being Manny, Manny forgot his uniform tonight. He's wearing number 95.

Vinatieri signed with the Colts. The only thing that could make this week more glum would be if Varitek was traded for some prospect. Plus Johnny decided to open his trap again today.

The problem I have with professional athletes today is their lack of understanding of what they mean to their fans. Not to bash Johnny Damon (though I'd love to),  but he's the most recent example of this with a good quote. Otherwise, I'd use Vinatieri. 

""It doesn't matter," he said, sounding like he almost believed what he was saying. "That's old news now. I've had this new team for almost four months, so that doesn't matter.""(Mark Feinsand, mlb.com)

Four months. Four months and all those kids who idolized you mean nothing. Four months is all it takes to forget about the people who would buy you a steak dinner at Abe and Louie's for the rest of your life. I don't think athletes understand how much they have got going for them.

For every Daunte Culpepper of the world, every Johnny Damon, every Pedro Martinez, consider this. Minimum pay for athletes is somewhere between 300K - 600K a year. There are people who won't make that much in their lifetime. What regular job is out there right now that pays that kind of money a year?

The benefits of being an athlete are ridiculous. You spend the day "working" by playing a game that you absolutely love. Instant fame. People idolize you. Big house, big money. Access pretty much wherever you want to go. Want to meet a movie star? No problem. Want the best table in a nice restaurant without a reservation? Easy. Granted, it's an early retirement which could cause some of these guys to go broke. Maybe they should consider the words bank account.

I understand it's tough to leave so much money sitting on the table. What I don't understand is why athletes, when given the choice to stay in a place they love and are loved in, choose to leave so they can get $52 million instead of $48 million. To be honest, that four million should really be going to someone more deserving.

As said in The Weatherman, "The thing that is right, and the thing that is hard is usually the same thing." Apparently, athletes don't like making tough decisions.

I really need to keep my mouth shut. I can't believe he did this. The wonderboy. The G-d. Boston's best. He cruelly took advantage of one of his own players.

'''We continue to move closer toward a discounted deal that Bronson is providing to the Boston Red Sox because he wants to do anything he can do to remain a Red Sox for not only these three years but the remainder of his career. He's saying, 'I know this is a discounted deal, but I want to remain here. How do I get a chance to do this forever?. . . we hope the Boston Red Sox will not take advantage of Bronson's loyalty and use a potential discounted deal to trade him.'" (Chris Snow, Boston Globe) - Bronson Arroyo's agent on the new deal signed in January for the starting pitcher.

At first, when I heard Bronson Arroyo was traded to the Reds, I was shocked. Bronson for Pena? Not cool. Pena's just a struggling outfield prospect, wheras Arroyo gets into fights with all-stars (i.e. A-Rod). When did this happen? Then I realized that this obviously wasn't an impromptu deal. Come to think of it, Theo really hasn't seemed to care about how Bronson has been doing this spring. Even Arroyo said it himself, yesterday.

""I haven't heard anything at all," said Arroyo."(Ian Browne, redsox.com) - Arroyo on status come opening day.

It has been reported that the deal has been in the works for a month. There hasn't been a peep about it in the papers, on fan forums, or even talk radio stations. When the Red Sox said they were going to be more quiet, like the Patriots, I didn't think it would actually work. Not in Red Sox Nation, land of no privacy.

Why couldn't the Reds wan't Wells? He's such a lazy ***** that isn't going anywhere good. Sure he's not the greatest or best solution long-term, but he can win 15 or so games this year. Arroyo is just starting to establish himself. What if he turns out to be Theo's Roger Clemens? (Dan Duquette ***** at life). Plus, Arroyo was one of the guys that kept the team loose, what with his guitar and all.

That's the other part of this trade that's bothering me. It is well known that Clement is on the trading block, and he is a better acquisition than Wells and possibly Arroyo. Yet Clement is the business-like player, not the free spirit like Johnny Damon, Kevin Millar, Bronson Arroyo, and Doug Mirabelli. I really believe that being loose and joking around is one of the keys to success, and Theo has totally eradicated that atmosphere.

Don't get me wrong. Though mad, I don't hate Theo. There are other trades that have been worse for me (Nomar anyone?). I just can't stand the role of business in baseball. I love World Series Championships, but I don't want a bunch of robots playing for the Sox, if thats what it's going to take for a seventh ring.

So I can pretty much eat my words from last Wednesday/Thursdayish. Since then, the Sox have gone 3-1 to improve to 7-11-1 for the Spring season. Arroyo seems to have found the remedy to his pitching woes in Varitek. With the captain behind the plate, Arroyo pitched five shut out innings and allowed 4 hits with no walks and 4 strikeouts, leading the Sox to a 3-1 win against the Orioles.

I know that not all 7 of the Red Sox starters can stay, but I really don't want Arroyo to go. For some reason, he's just the best. Sure, he's not a phenomenal pitcher, but he's a great singer if that counts for anything.  And I can't really think of anything else to write about this topic, but I really like him so no trading Arroyo. Plus I think I have writer's block. Nothing I've written recently is any good.

It's pretty annoying, but I can't get Wells off my mind. I'm so frustrated with him. Who calls Francona an idiot? It's not like Sox fans don't know that it's ridiculous to be mad about being on the DL when he was begging to be traded a week ago. A move that the Sox watched on a bus was published in the Boston Globe, of course we know about the rotation and trade requests. Now I'll be the beggar:

THEO - Please get this fat monster out of Boston. PLEASE!

So team USA is out. Oh well. Even though I had a ton of fun watching them, I'm really not too disappointed. Maybe it's because my favorite, Tek, is coming back along with Timlin, maybe because I still really like the Cuban and Dominican teams.

The big news is with David Wells and Jon Papelbon. First, let me explain that I hate David Wells with a passion. I hated him as a Yankee and can't manage to like him as a Red Sox. Not only does he burden the team with his trade requests, but he then complains that the Sox will probably put him on the 15 day DL to start the season.

The guy is 42, just had knee surgery, doesn't even want to play for the team, and is horribly out of shape without at least trying to do something about it (unlike Curt Schilling). Trade him, even for a crappy player. We have six other pitchers, we don't need him. He's a big sore and distraction for the team, and the Red Sox are better without him whining his way through the season. Plus, Wells could stop up and coming guys like Jon Papelbon from getting their careers in the rotation started.

Papelbon has spent spring training as an underwhelming prospect, going 0-2 with a 10.13 ERA. That all changed yesterday. Call it the luck of the Irish, but Papelbon allowed only 1 hit over 5 innings yesterday, helping the Sox tie the Marlins.

This kid rocks. Last September, Papelbon was cool, calm, and collected when pitching in the most important games of the season. Only Timlin was preferred over Papelbon, who went 3-1 with a 2.65 ERA and 34 strikeouts in his 34 innings pitched last season. An avid admirer of Roger Clemens, Papelbon could be the next it kid if allowed the chance to pitch.

That all depends on Wells, though. Cranky David Wells would probably be the number 3 man in a rotation with Beckett, Schilling, Wakefield, and Clement. If I was Theo Epstein or Terry Francona, I'd trade Wells for a prospect, most likely and outfielder or catcher, set up a rotation of Beckett, Wakefield, Schilling, Arroyo, and Clement, put Papelbon in the bullpen as a set-up guy or long reliever, have Timlin as my closer at the start of the season, and depending on how Foulke does, switch to Foulke as closer by May.

On paper the USA is a dream team, with all-stars pitching, catching, playing the field, and in the line up. They're a huge golden glove, combined can win the triple crown. On paper that is.

In the World Baseball Classic, the USA is missing something. I hate to say it, but they are missing national pride.

When the other teams face the interviews, players are basically saying, "We represent our country and want to show the world how good we are not only in baseball but as a country." With the US, the world knows how good they are in baseball, politics, economy, etc. What do they have to prove? That they're good? Everyone knows how good Derek Jeter, Roger Clemens, Jason Varitek, and Ken Griffey Jr. are.

These all-stars are playing exactly how they should for this time of year. Each game for them is a spring training game. They're making stupid errors, taking bad cuts, Dontrelle Willis can't find himself, and look like they will take their place among USA basketball and the USA team that failed to qualify for the olympics. Honestly, what more can you expect from a group of guys that haven't played ball since September or October?

Team USA has to find something to get them going if they want to make it into the semi-finals and have success there. Otherwise, each of them will return to where they probably should be: Spring Training.

Take a peek at the Grapefruit League Standings at some point in the near future. Want to find the Sox? You're going to have to go alllll the way down to the bottom. In 13 games, the Red Sox have only won three. In fact, the only team worse than the Sox are the Nationals. Ouch.

Okay, it may only be spring training and Papi Ortiz, Varitek, Timlin and friends are off at the World Baseball Classic, but still. Three games? While I'm not so concerned about the pitching, I am concerned about the offense. The Sox can't rely on the big names for RBIs. If they want to contend this year, they have to  score as a team. The AL East has only gotten tougher this past offseason, as the Yankees have tried their best to make a '06 version of the 1927 Murderer's Row lineup. Toronto spent some money, and Vernon Wells, Frank Catalanotto, Troy Glaus, and Shea Hillenbrand will be tough to beat.   

While the Red Sox continue to **** at spring training, GM Theo Epstein decided to do something about Terry (Tito) Francona. He extended Tito's contract.

  FINALLY.

Only in Boston can a guy manage a team to their first World Series Championship in 86 years and not get a contract extension. As if it isn't obvious enough that people doubt Tito, Boston Dirt Dogs rotoworld news section reports;

"the Red Sox will be content to carry perhaps baseball's worst in-game manager for at least a couple of more years. We'd be a little surprised if he actually lasted all the way through 2008."

Baseball's worst in game manager? Are they serious? So what if Francona doesn't really play small ball so much. The only guy the Sox have really had who was fast enough to run the bases the past two years has been Johnny Damon. This year there's more speed with Coco Crisp, so there could be more stolen bases. Even if his style isn't conforming to MLB style, it worked in 2004. Tito has won 193 games in two years, winning more than 95 games a year in both seasons. Maybe I'm interpreting the stats wrong, but I happen to think he's a pretty good manager.

I love the World Baseball Classic. I've been a proponent of it since the beginning, but I never expected it to blow my mind like it has.

First of all, the Cuba/Panama game last Wednesday was the definition of baseball. Every little boy or girl steps up to the plate of a pickup game going,  2 outs, bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, full count. It's the ultimate situation. It happened Wednesday. To add more drama, the batter fouled off the 3-2 pitch three times. I was hooked, couldn't leave my seat, felt like it was October with the Red Sox playing the Yankees.

Though I love baseball, I don't tend to watch games that have players who I don't really know of playing in them. Like, I wouldn't watch a Tigers/Diamondbacks game often. Cuba and Panama? I couldn't move.

Then there was the USA game today. To tell you the truth, I thought Japan would trounce the US of A. Imagine my surprise when I got home and it was tied 3-3. I wouldn't let my brother switch the channel back to Armageddon, so we sat, spellbound, watching real baseball in March.

I even rooted for A-Rod.

It was the ninth inning, bases juiced, I think there were two outs. The Japanese pitcher was hot, and he had just struck out Griffey Jr. I really really really wanted the US to win. So I did what I would normally do during a Sox game. I started talking to him, willing him to just get to first base. He did. And I was happy about it. But at the same time, I was talking to my Yankee fan friend, who probably will never let me live this down.

Maybe it's like Johnny Damon. Once the pinstripes go on, the hatred turns on. I just hope that the US doesn't play a game where I have to root for a Yankee again.

Then again, I'm loving the intensity of country vs. country.

After years of being told "do not give in to peer pressure" I am ashamed to admit that I am giving in. Actually that's a lie. I'm a wannabe sportswriter who wants some feedback so I can get better at writing and become the next Rick Reilly or Chris Snow or Tom Verducci in the female variant. Instead of boring you with the details of my life, I'll move on to baseball.

Keith Foulke thinks he'll be ready for opening day. Yes, the very same Keith the Cantankerous Closer. Keep in mind that opening day is in 22 days and 4 hours while I explain. Foulke has thrown 43 pitches to batters this spring training. He recently had knee surgery on not one knee, but both. His plan is to finish up his knee lubricant shots (3 more left in total) and pitch. While that all sounds great to him, I'm a tad worried about the results of his batting practice tosses.

"His fourth pitch, to his first batter, took off, prompting Foulke to yell ''Look out!" as the ball veered off Dominic Ramos's back. Foulke uttered obscenities on three occasions after missing his spot." (boston.com, Foulke Injects Some Optimism)

Maybe it's just me but I'm not totally comfortable giving our closer, the guy who comes in with just a run or two of protection, a couple games to warm up. It's great that he can pick up his son without grimacing, but picking up a little  year both personally (divorce) and professionally? I'm not saying 60 day DL here, in fact I'd give him an extra 15 days at most. I'm on the side that says good pitching beats out good hitting, and when Foulke's healthy, it's good pitching. I don't want this guy ruining himself in April so that when October rolls around (hopefully) we don't have an issue with closers. Hopefully he'll realise that it's okay to take a little extra time.